On Being Present

The writing struggle continues.

So here, you’re getting an entry from my journal that turned into a blog post. Don’t be the least bit shocked if this is what I publish for the time being - between being a dad and husband, a spiritual director, going back to school, and just… existing… Well, sometimes just a bit more than showing up isn’t just what you can do, it’s the more you can offer.

"Jesus through your death and resurrection, change my belief/rules about ______."

This was the prompt given to us at the end of the Easter service.

I appreciate that our Pastor, Clarence, gave those gathered prompts that applied for a long-time follower of Jesus and those who do not follow Him alike. I have mixed feelings on the visual aid at the beginning - not because of the analogy, which was good and apt, but… Those things just come off a bit corny to me. With that, I know that the problem is me - while I’m glad that, in the last decade, I’ve been coming into my own after living by the script of others earlier in life, some old ways of thinking from peers are still kicking around.

Alas…

Two things surfaced immediately: Being present and time management. And while there’s crossover between the two, I’ll split them out - don’t worry, they’ll intersect - it all does.

I’m grateful that what “being present” means has been both expanded and clarified for me. To realize that it’s being fully open to and able to receive the moment that I’m in makes more sense than focusing on the present as opposed to the past or the future.

But the clarification doesn’t make it any more simple - in fact, it reveals the complications.

I have a short attention span with obsessive-compulsive tendencies. At any given moment, I can feel my brain thinking. It’s not just that my brain doesn’t shut off - nobody’s does - but that the constant thinking is at a volume that cannot be turned down and hasn’t become white noise. In fact, while I love to read, it tends to be difficult, because the thoughts in the background of my reading in my head interfere with the text that I’m trying to receive in the forefront of my mind. 

So, moment-to-moment, sticking with the moment is difficult. If my mind isn’t distracting me, I’m distracting it. My object of abstinence during the season of Lent was browsing the web. And while I did a decent job of sticking to sparse 5-minute catchup intervals, I was victim to an issue that I knew would be so coming in: that if I didn’t let my phone steal my attention, something else would. As an enneagram 9, the negative gravity I’m always fighting is giving my attention to distractions to stay numbed from issues and difficult tasks. 

Which brings the next complication: adding different or more things to do doesn’t necessarily solve the problem. The problem of being present isn’t time management - we’ll talk about that next. The problem is being in a state and place to receive the moment. To receive God through prayer, nature and gratitude. To receive the people around me - especially my wife and daughter - so that the sharing of souls we were made for isn’t lost.

And, yes, to also be present and open to what is the best use - or, management - of my time.

That whole “choosing something non-essential to numb out” thing? That’s the time management piece.

I have goals - a number of books to read in a year, which books to read, things that I do as a Spiritual Director, things that need to be done around the house and, soon, going back to college.

I have plenty of good options to choose from. And that’s not to say that watching a show, playing a game, or just relaxing with some jams are bad - they’re not. Our desires are not bad - it’s the disordered way that we relate to them. Even the desires that seem the best, the holiest, the most commendable can easily become disordered when they become distorted (manifesting in sin) or when our attachment to them is too strong (manifesting in “missing it”).

Add to this the complication that, when I do what I think is best - I pray, engage with scripture, do my reading, get in a podcast, all while knocking out my task load for the day - it doesn’t always result in my feeling whole. 

How absolutely frustrating. But, I think this is where the intersection of presence and time management comes in. To be present to God, people and the moment while also using my time wisely - well, that’s wise. That’s a formula for a good day. 

There are some key things that must change for this to be more achievable. One of my pains in life is that I tend to have a very good grasp on what is good for me and, most of the time, just how to do that, but I’m terrible at engaging. I either try to do it and fail out quickly - mostly because I’m both trying to just add it on top of all the other things that I do, or I press myself to “do it the right way” - aka, the most puerile and difficult way.

There are some practices I’ve long known that I need to engage with:

Contemplative prayer

A story that I encountered in a book some time ago went something like this.

There was a man who, every day, came to an open church in his town. Each day, he would sit in the pews and stare at the cross hung behind the threshold, often smiling as he did. A woman who worked there, curious what this man did silently and for a decent stretch of time every day, gathered the courage to ask him. “Sir, what is it that you do here when you’re sitting in the pews staring at the cross each day?” His reply was this: “I smile at him, He smiles at me, and we are both happy.”

Mutual adoration. We get bits of this at times in life. I’ve certainly experienced it with my wife and my daughter - just looking at them with gratitude and happiness. If we take the concept of a bride or a groom staring at their betrothed at the altar as the officiant says his lines, we can get a better glimpse of what mutual adoration is - and, specifically, how it shows us more accurately what “union” looks like.

Contemplative prayer is the quieting of our faculties to receive from God. While often this is portrayed as receiving God’s love - which I think it often should be - I think it can also be a moment where we mutually share emotions and feelings with God. I’m thinking, and am accused by a lack of participation in, holding grief and sorrow with God. We experience broken things on a daily basis - both in our own lives and all around us. Even when we don’t watch the news, the news comes to us (though, most of us are peeking behind that curtain with some regularity). There is plenty of joy, sorrow, hope and the like to mutually hold with God throughout life.

The biggest issue I encounter with this, the quieting of the self to be fully open and present to God, crosses over into the next practice.

Mindfulness

As I said earlier, being fully present at any moment is extremely difficult for me.

What I didn’t say earlier is that, when it comes to quieting myself to be more present and open to God, neighbor, creation and myself, I haven’t tried very hard.

The times that I have haven’t gone well - and truly, most who offer their words and experience on this will tell you that it requires a lot of practice. You have to show up consistently to it, just trying, going from small intervals of doing so to larger ones over time.

I’ll clear the deck of how often I’ve tried: not often. In fact, I was just talking with The Lord this morning about how it’s difficult for me to want to do anything that I’m assured of a payoff from. Spiritual disciplines are long-game types of engagements. Overused but apt is the analogy of weight training. You have to show up and do the work consistently, even though the payoff is a long way off, trusting that you’ll end up with better health and more muscle mass. But man, it’s a slog until you get there. And even when you do, there are still some days where you just don’t want to. And if you aren’t supporting that training with other things - proper nutrition, good sleep, a sacrifice of time (and possibly money) to engage with the exercises, then it doesn’t come together very well, if at all.

Mindfulness is, to keep with the analogy, the “nutrient intake” (like protein with weight training) that is necessary to fuel quieting the self. (I’d also argue that the diet and sleep bits are part of that too, hypocrite that I am on the diet piece). If we haven’t recovered our ability to be still and present - something that was likely stolen from us early on in the first-world scenario - then our ability to steal away with God into the time and space to do so is rough at best, if not impossible.

Mindfulness is something I’ve engaged with before - there are plenty of great resources for this out there. I’ve found myself more present, calm and engaged when I’ve done so. But, it required showing up every day and rewiring my biology to reap the benefits - or, I should say, to return to the self I was created to be.

Gratitude

Gratitude is really where those two prior topics intersect.

When we become aware of how God has been good to us in our lives, it’s not difficult to “stare” at God in loving adoration. God stares at us like this just because we are - more fuel for our gaze.

When we are able to be held by God in our sorrows or in rough moments of our lives, no words or actions necessary, our bond to God grows strong.

When we can mutually hold joy and sorrow with God, connected by a mutuality of self that comes through seeing things as God sees them, we can experience the union we were created to have in the first place.

Gratitude isn’t just easy to access from such things - it’s the given result.

And I think there’s a lot going on in this - a safe place to properly process things, knowing that we are held and heard, an engagement that exceeds our expectations and experience… The list goes on.

I don’t have the science to cite, but I’ll suppose you heard it before: regular engagement with gratitude changes everything for the better. If we are to be restored to a self whose essence and outflow comes from a deep inner well of gratitude, then we experience the freedom Christ came to restore and we pour it out onto those around us.

Pray for me, that I get there. I pray that you will too.

Our gracious and good God, restore us to who we were created to be - that our moving and being in this world would help each of us and those around us experience the restoration of the salvation that you gave yourself for. May we stare at you with joy and gratitude, knowing that you, by default, do so.

What is it that you need God’s salvific work to change your beliefs, rules or engagements with?