A Bittersweet Arrival

Throughout my life, writing has been a gift that I've been able to recognize in myself. As someone who's had a hard time recognizing my giftings and fully appreciating who I am, I'm grateful that The Spirit kept stoking the flame of that gift and affection over time.

Honestly, it's been more of a gifting that I've pushed off and away. I remember moments in my childhood where I embraced it - writing stories with my friends as characters in them for show and tell, crafting a book report where I felt that the language was spot-on, and posting online in communities with articulation I felt good about.

But the desire to do more than that always simmered below the surface, and even in that the knowledge that it was meant for more than just the occasional correspondence and a tidily written assignment for school. I looked at books and wondered: I'd love to write one of those, but why and what about? I'd occasionally thought about blogging, but what was it that I had to say that was worth putting out there?

And then there's all the ego bits that make writing difficult. Is it perfect enough? Will other people even want to read it? If they do, will they like it? And if they don't, what will they think of me? Will I say something that will cause others to write me off - a painful death in some sense of things?

Even now as I've started to write this, my inner world has been fraught with indolence and anxiety. With one paragraph down, I suddenly remembered that I forgot to take my medications this morning. Good excuse, right? Sure, but then I saw the screwdrivers I left out that needed to be put away, and then that thing that needed to be cleaned up, and then some task bubbling in the back of my brain. My inner resistance was (and is still as I continue to write) trying to find a reason not to embrace a difficult but fruitful moment.

This blog, for me, it bittersweet. It's both the intersection of a gift that could have (and I feel should have) been put to use at earlier points in life, and is also the thing that is most appropriate for the moment I've arrived at.

It's the opportunity to die to my ego and shed the false self. To let go of the part of me that's too afraid of what others will think about me as a result of my thoughts, wonderings and curiosities. To make myself more vulnerable and, in a sense, lose the armor I've thought I've needed to stay comfortable and safe. To move in a meaningful fashion as an antithesis to that comfort-seeking nature.

It's the opportunity to connect with whoever reads this. Maybe you're looking for a spiritual director and you want to get a grasp on who you're dealing with. Or maybe you've simply stumbled here by some means - a search engine, a friend's suggestions, The Spirit, etc. - and you're just along for the ride of the read (thank you, by the way).

It's the opportunity for me to be outflow - the true self God created me to be by the giftings that I have. To do something that, whether God formed it up in me before I even was or saw it forming and poured the gasoline on it, is something I'm fairly confident in my ability to do.

If you've read this far, I'm simply grateful. But, if you came here seeking a Spiritual Director, I hope that you got to know who you might be traveling with if you allow me to companion you through this leg of the journey of your life. I also hope that you can see how I've grown and am still growing so that you can have some assurance that I want to help you get there with whatever it is that you're trying to, well, "get there" with. It would be my honor to hold your story along with The Spirit, the true director, as we move further down the road towards the destination.

May the peace and grace that only comes from the one who calls us Beloved go with you.